Absorbing it all

Last night we had college and career and discussed some things taking place in our nation. Some values our country once had is now ridiculed and Christians have had to take a back seat to other religions and beliefs. Just thinking about the greatness of this situation tugged at my heart. I have heard that there is a mandate on my generation. A lot of youth pastors talk about it and refer to us as the "John the Baptist" of our time because we prepare the way for the second coming of the Messiah. I mean all of this stuff just made me think. Considering the things that our nation is facing, the prophecies in the word and everything literally tugged at my heart. As things were being brought up, I immediately went to places in the bible. Moses and Pharaoh, and how Moses was put in a favorable position and worked through in order to free God's people. Then there is Esther who was chosen to go before the king on behalf of her people. Christians are the called ones to stand up to our people, just like she was. Mordecai explained to her that if she didn't stand, deliverance would rise from another place. What about David, a king placed in a mighty position who had a heart after God. Then John the Baptist who stood and spoke with a voice to introduce Pentecost, a voice in the wilderness, paving the way. The prophet Jeremiah, who was born a prophet to the nations, a voice to people. In his time it was time to up root and tear down but a time to rebuild. Last night they spoke of an awakening. A time when people need to wake from their sleep otherwise like a thief coming in the night will every thing as we know it end. The mandate of purpose is strong. The mandate for us to fight is strong. The mandate for us to love more than ever before is great. But why are we self focused? Why am I so self focused, why am I so focused on here and now, with no focus on anyone around me or the future. Why do I not care about the destiny of myself and others. It's easy to be sucked in and gradually fade. That's what makes falling asleep so easy. I know sometimes I fall asleep and I'm not even aware I'm asleep until frantically I wake up thinking, "how in the world did I fall asleep?" I guess now spiritually, I'm like how in the world did I fall asleep. It's hard to focus on bigger things outside of who we are, when we are struggling to make it ourselves. As long as we stay sensitive to His spirit, his will is ultimately done. Sure people fall, but stay after his heart. I guess the bottom line of this whole thing is. Potential lies in us, for a life of worship, to make Jesus known, and to see lives changed. Everything is created by Him, for Him. Bottom line is that it made me look at me. I just know that I don't want to be caught sleeping. Not because I fear hell or death, because I love Him. I love my family. I want to use the things He has given me for His glory... but the key thing I want to have instilled in my heart is the simple fact of communion with Him. Getting to the place of the alter, sacrifice of myself, surrender of myself to allow worship and greater things to be established and moved through me to the outward surroundings. That place where everything bigger than me is battled out to victory. This great mandate can only be fulfilled from communion with Him. There we see with His eyes and become more spiritually in tune with what He wants. When we worship in Spirit and Truth, many things take place. We worship in Spirit, not flesh.... one dies in that process. Then Truth that glorifies, frees, and displays a genuine person. I have so much to soak in and process, but the key is communion. That's where everything will be created... through a relationship with God...everything else will be a product of the relationship. I guess I can't stress or fathom that enough. I want to change, I want to be used, I want people to be changed.
Another point that is very important is this. I heard during a lecture in class about an earlier socialization of people called hunters and gatherers. Right at the end of that era of society, men began to actually establish land and use land to grow and produce food. This way began to cause disruptions in society and started wars or feuds. Because then people wanted others land etc. For instance, I had no land and you did. You were producing food so I wanted it. We would go to war for the land. We would be fighting over something. View creation (people) as a valuable piece of land, that can produce many great things, for one owner or the other. The enemy of our soul fights us so bad, because we are land that will produce for the master that owns us. If God owns us, we produce for Him. If satan owns us, we produce for him. I have to protect myself. Ownership is why we are fought against, but also fought for. So much thought, so much to sink in...

but I'm not sure what that means........... to be like you

It's so easy to make a judgment about something or someone we know without actually knowing every single detail. What makes a judgment such a false and cruel thing is the simple yet complex fact that a judgment cannot be fully relied on unless the situation or a person is known completely inside and out. Often times we see a consequence of an action or a person or situation, and assume the motives behind it. Assuming only leads to more false pretensions, because again we lack all the components in what caused the effect. **We put the puzzle together and because we don't actually know what the entire picture is supposed to be, we come out with a different result and run with that** That's a dangerous thing. I look through judgmental eyes, try not to, but do sometimes. I wonder how many people I have wrongly accused and not given a fair chance because of that? I guess that's why Jesus can judge all, because he knows and sees every motive, responsible for behavioral outcome. I guess the only thing that is different about someone like Jesus compared to us is that despite accurate judgments, ones that we would even condemn, he doesn't. So someone that never made a mistake, loves those who make the "worst" and "most" in our eyes, yet people like us, who always make mistakes, judge others easily and without thought. I am assuming that is where the whole plank in your own eye scripture comes from. I think if Jesus was to just come down and chill with me, he would give me a good talking to. I think he would be sad...father sad. I guess it's weird because I never experienced father sad, only great father disappointment. Like when I would do things, it was just never good enough, or I could always use some improvement. That is another novel all in itself. Anyways, point exactly is that Jesus would a little sad with me, I think a little heart broken because he misses me and stuff like that.... but saying that first because his footprints went places mine will never go and that mine are not fit to fill, so I can never play the judgment role... but I do think that if He came and strolled the streets of our country he would be "father sad".... sad first with the church, the one divided between the "religious" and "anti religious", then sad with the people like me who were "hanging on until the decision is made" and sad with the fake people...I wonder if the hurt he feels from creation, hurts more than being nailed to a cross, hurts more than being suffocated. I wonder if I hurt him that bad? I have been hurt by people, ones who I thought believe in me and turned their backs on me, but mostly only one person at a time... not by multitudes, but Jesus was also hurt by those who turned their backs on Him and hurt by multitudes at a time. I guess his grace and his hurt for us, is something that I cant ever fully fathom. A million things and philosophies I attempt to wrap my brain around... but this, this I never can. Grace isn't fully my nature, only part of my genetic makeup. I cant hypothesize or make a theory about why I make following him so complicated. I wish I didn't. He commits to me, but I struggle with making up my mind....because everything else is so glamorous. If I truly saw His light on those things, I can only see the things it would really be.. I guess the visual I get of this situation is being in a dark cave like an old mine and seeing some things that sparkle and glow, and following them.... but then when the sunlight enters into the mine.. it reveals those things that sparkle as skeletons with fools gold in their eyes.... probably sounds weird, but makes perfect sense. In the dark anything shiny is appealing. Maybe I should stop writing and re-read this... because it's important. but before I do, a point that is resounding in my brain is the fact that I make a lot of judgments and see things a lot of people are doing wrong or right, but I'm not standing up myself and doing a thing....... .... It's easy to sit around and talk about stuff or people who do it wrong, but to make an attempt actually requires something.... and it's not easy. I don't want emotional, strict rule following, anti religious, or radical.....I want pure and authentic and the things that follow that, because that will be the most real, the most powerful, and the most revolutionary.

I remembered an old piece of property that was left to me, so I thought I would drive out to see it. My father left me an old family home in his will. He left it for me so that I could bring life to it and make it my home one day. As it came across my mind, I decided to go view the home. As I got to where the driveway once was, I realized it was now just a path covered in high grass. So I parked and made my way through the knee high weeds and made it to the house. What this was, was far from a home. I thought to myself that noone in their right mind could live in this place. I wondered what people thought of this place and thought of my family as they drove by. I couldn't believe the shape it was in. Where once it had been a beautiful shade of white, it was hardly white at all. I don't even think that is a true color that is on there now. The poarch swing only hung by one chain and the porch itself was hardly a porch at all. Broken wood and everything destroyed. As I cautiously made my way through the "house" I walked in every room. I remembered there by the fireplace my grandmother reading to me as a kid. I revisited every room and in every room I could recall the most precious of memories. I had so many in there. I remember all the Thanksgiving's and Christmas' we celebrated. I can remember running through every room of the house playing around. I grew up there. Every year as I grew older something precious that I hold dear occurred there in that house, that is now not a house at all. I stood in every room and re-lived many different moments. Then just pacing back and forth I noticed all the layers of dust that now decorated the house. It had "polished" off every picture, every dish, every candle, and every book. I could see family pictures hanging sideways and as I blew off the dust I could make out the faces. The treasure that remained in that house was so rich, but had of course been destroyed by poor care and abandonment. It broke my heart to see all the damage that had been done, all because it was left to me and I completely ignored it. I needed a miracle. Because I had lack of skill, I knew I couldn't fix it. My hands to this mess would be worthless. I looked and looked for a carpenter who could fix it and actually had interest in restoring it to it's full potential. Noone in the directory was interested, but then as I visited my old town I overheard some people talking about a man who was only known by few. The talked of the power in his hands. I interrupted the people talking, and asked them the information on this carpenter. So they filled my ears with details and then I got in touch with him. We both looked at the house and I was almost embarassed to even take anyone to the mess of a building. When he drove up, and observed the house, he looked at it in a way I never EVER expected. He glanced at it with awe. After he looked at it for what seemed like an hour, his only words were "this is beautiful!" I looked at it, then I looked at him, and in my mind I totally disagreed. He said this is going to be a process, and not an easy task. But then he said, it is my joy to rebuild this thing. His countanence was like that of a kid at Christmas. He took this task with all excitement. Well days, weeks, and even months passed. I wondered when this was going to be "beautiful" again. When would it be restored? This was the longest process... the cleaning and taking out the things that didn't belong seemed to take a month itself. Then came the rebuilding, which took months, then the actual restoring of the paint and interior... so many details. Well after several months, (it took longer than it takes the average people to completely buid a house) it was finished. I drove up and saw a white fence with a beautiful gate and a gravel drive way. The porch no longer had vines and the wood was a spectaclar finish. The swing blowing in the breeze. The door so inviting and welcoming, so I entered. A fire burning, pictures hung upright. Everything was perfect, the furniture, lamps, kitchen. It smelled as if dinner was being prepared. Every room decorated with such home like furniture. This was better than before and more beautiful than what I expected. I asked the carpenter how he knew to decorate it as it had been before but only better. And he replied, as a boy I watched my father build this house, and now even into my ripe old age I still remember his blue print and every intricate detail. I asked how I could pay him and he said it was already paid. I didn't understand this man at all. He said I could pay him back by keeping it up, inviting guests over, and telling people the story of restoration. Then he walked outside and stared at the house, with tears flowing down his cheeks. Still, I could not figure out all the emotion. With the tears still flowing down, He asked me to please let this home grow and flourish, constantly being full of life and to act as a safe haven from the outside. So, I agreed to this man, then I watched him just slowly walk down the road. This house was perfect, but it was only the beginning for all to come. That night I sat by the fire, and saw headlight after headlight after headlight... people had come from surrounding cities to see this masterpiece, and I could take zero credit for all that had been done. It was all about him, that humble carpenter, who saw the beauty before anyone, and then turned it into a gorgeous creation.

Don't Sweat the small stuff... or so they say!

You have always heard the saying "don't sweat the small stuff," but is that statement questionable. A while ago when i was loggin some miles I thought to myself how if I didn't sweat then a. I was not taking in the right material b. my body wasn't getting rid of the wastes it needed to and c. my body temperature would not be cooling itself off. Our bodies work like a machine. YES! you are a machine!! HA.. but seriously it's very important to do your part and drink water because when you are battling it out on the streets it reengergizes you, prevents cramps, and then when you sweat you are getting rid of toxins and also cooling yourself off. Putting in the water is a key role. So where am I going with the talk of water and perspiration.

When I think of water I think of more than disani, I think of living water. I think of God and his grace. Sometimes I wonder how I went so long without him. It's like I was running with no supply and then just swelling up with junk, not being able to get rid of it. I let thing after thing after thing build up in me. So it was like I was running with all the weight, when some 'water' would clear that up. God who they call, the living water, gives us strength to move forward and as he pours into us, and we push forward, things are released from us. As we run we become lighter and not entangled with all the junk we were wrapped up in. I have no idea if this makes sense and it's not the most deep subject, but it's true. We hold on to things only adding weight to ourselves. So I guess I am just saying that we gotta let every small thing go, because even those small things add up and add up fast. Also I learned from running on my hurt leg, that it does only get worse and leads to not running. We try to hide those hurts really bad and just keep walking in our relationship with God without telling him or letting things out to him. Then our pride cripples us. We thought we could make it through but we cant. That always sucks. Then when you try to walk all you can think about is that hurt and thats becomes the vision of which you see everything. It's very sad too. The first time I ever went to McCullough Christian Center, I heard a lady share this. She said, "Last night I had a dream, and in that dream was a glass full of dirt. I held the glass under water and slowly the dirt rose to the top. Then the water kept filling it. the more water filled the glass, the more dirt came out. Before long, there was no dirt, but only overflowing water." That's stuck with me for years! So, I guess you can learn from every situation and God's gotta get your attention somehow. that's how He got mine. So, sweat the small stuff, not by worrying about it, but Releasing it.

Every single person on this earth is made up of many components that make them unique. Each individual has built in factors, some we all share while others we don't. For example, we all breathe; however, one may be smarter than the other or more talented at a sport than another. One thing that we all share is the detail inside of us that drives us and causes us to search beyond, press on, and move forward. What is the one thing we all share? It's this thing that we live by daily whether we admit it or not, and it's known as competition. This drives us to move forward and not settle. It can be viewed in many different aspects. The first perspective we can view competitive human activity is a broad national view. Take for instance the United States. When the country was founded, it was founded with every reason to move forward and colonize. Many settlers did'nt just say, "We are here, Virginia is our only colony and that's the way it will stay!" Instead this nation was pioneered, because of a pressing and a searching that was instilled in the very being of the colonists. A nation was developed, politicians were elected. Despite the "flaws and failures" or every American president, I'm positive that each of them shared the value to make our nation stronger and advance it in every way. A politician isn't elected by making his campaign one of which states "Let's stay the same, forget advancing technology, forget various reforms, we are fine the way we are." From day one of the founding this nation has advanced. To look at a similar viewpoint, take wal-mart for example. Wal-mart had to grow with the economy and population demand. If it wouldn't have, then it would be stuck in a 1990's atmosphere about it and productivity line rather than advancing into the 21st century. From an individualistic view, every human being has a desire to excel and move forward. Take for instance when we are born, our parents teach us slowly to become independent. After learning to walk and talk, we go to school. After learning basic education, we are encouraged to continue until graduation, expanding and growing in knowledge every year. Then as graduates we are encouraged (in most places) to attend a department of higher learning or either jump into the work force! Why? To move forward. In this process whether we are aware or not, we are constantly competing, with ourselves, others, and time to move forward. We have athletic teams who are based on competition, where they excel at their sport of choice. We even have churches that compete with one another to win people into their congregation. Competitive activity surrounds us. Is it bad to be competitive? Heck no! I am very competitive. The key to developing this is a. the motives behind it and b. to what degree you are being competitive. I believe this was built into us to move forward and to never accept where we are in life. This is the key to help us to set goals and reach them. Many people in life have an apathetic attitude, but this is the excuse to failure, that say's I don't want to get up again. Competition shouldn't die. It should be made stronger with every obstacle. Competition should not be used to tear one another down, but used as a gift to become better individually, corporately, or as a team. It's kind of like paint. Paint is a good thing and makes things better. It makes improvements, as with competition. But you can also take that paint and splatter it everywhere you aren't supposed to put it, making a huge mess. Competition should be developed, the longing in us should never grow cold.... it's what drives us. You have a choice, you can either throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.

Serves no Purpose!

I have always said, and will always firmly believe in the power of the snooze button. It is the very enemy of my soul, okay well thats a little much, at least the enemy of priority! This morning I was going to attempt to go for my 9 mile tempo run, but as I got up of course I was hobbling around. Ugh, this leg is seriously getting on my nerves. I know to most people, running is not as important, so taking a few days off to let it heal doesn't destroy their daily lives. I mean I know worse things could happen. It's just hard to accomplish certain goals when you cant work towards those goals. Oh well, I'm planning on going this afternoon when I get out of class. Speaking of class, I still need to do my homework and study a little more. Then I plan on hitting a good run *fingers crossed* then coming back and having college and career. R.E.A.L. That's what it's called but I totally forgot what that stands for, maybe something something adult life? Anyways, Im pretty excited about everyone seeing our new apartment and then playing some volley ball and stuff. Playing volleyball is probably one of my absolute favorite things. So, this weekend I'm possibly getting another pair of shoes and also ordering a pair.. so two new pair SOON! I am also planning on getting a bike (cheap one) and some goggles. Im going to try to start cross training a little more to make me stronger and more versatile. Who know's maybe one day do a triathlon. But I do want my 5k time to get a lot stronger. My goal for my 5k is to do sub 20 and 10k sub 42, and I have several months SEVERal to get my 5k race goal, but hopefully will get my 10k in the beginning of Nov. I know I am probably the MOST repetitive person, but my leg has to get better. No, Im not Kara Goucher, I don't do this for money, but it's like brushing my teeth.... thats very important!! Anyways, Im learning to just love the moments I have anyway. Well I have to go clean some more, so that it will be spotless for our guests. I hope today is a beautiful day, fall right around the corner...

100%

So fall is right around the corner and I am filled with excitement and somewhat facing some grief. I am very excited about racing in cooler weather and the whole racing enviroment. I love the nike ad that says, running will never take away more than it will give back. That is so true! The way you feel after a hard run is like no other feeling you could ever experience. Knowing you just pushed yourself in a hard training run or race feels so rewarding. It's amazing how all your training, works like an equation to make you faster, stronger, and more effiencient. I am a little worried though, because my leg has been hurting me really bad. Supposedly its just shin splints but it just really isn't getting better. I did some 8x500s yesterday at the track and mentally I felt good. Physically I felt good everywhere except for my leg. It's amazing how much you can accomplish by putting aside just a little bit of pain. My next race is Sep. 12th. I am looking this fall to get a PR in about the late 19's I hope. I just don't want this injury to slow down. Then I have the NAGGING thought following me of whether or not I should take off. Taking off would probably benefit me in the long run. Of course I would have to do some cross training so I dont get lazy or lose too much fitness, then I will have to work my way up to get some more endurance and "be as strong as I have been". See in doing that my leg can heal and I can catch a lot of the races on a healthy leg and work hard to get my speed/endurance back.... or I can keep running on this leg and just hope to God that it gets better. But see, a)no other exercise will get me better at running than running, b) I burn the most calories that way c)It's convienient.... I am supposed to be getting a bike soon and hopefully access to an indoor pool, but I have never cross trained on either.. for a workout. So maybe I can cross train and get some workout techniques on those. These shin splints have got to go away so I can be back 100%, pursuing those PR's... giving everything in a race, leaving NOTHING at all in me, but leaving everything on the road.... so when I have finished know that I dont have an ounce of sprint in me. That's the feeling I cant wait for. I cant wait for the many 5ks and 10ks along with my 1/2 marathons... ahhh.. just talking about it makes me so excited. I'm just waiting it out moment by moment to see how this leg does. I just cant wait to be full force, you have no IDEA. This is a sport that I recently discovered and wish I could have a long time ago. It rewards me in ways that nothing else does. I just know that I have to train smart, run smart, so that I can race hard and fast... plus I have some long term goals that a lot of this season can make happen...

So come on leg, please come on!!!

The Anchor for My Soul

During the midnight hour, I escaped to begin a journey of independenceleaving home as my father slept, closing the cottage door behind me, crossing the bridge over the river, and as I did, I vowed in my heart to never return. Now choosing to face the world on my own, with all its glories and conudrums that all others can embrace. As I crossed the river into the world where everything was new, I became easly adapted to this intriuging way. days, weeks, and even months passed, as with my body, my heart also wondered. Looking and searching for meaning elsewhere, in this un purposed filled place. In this time of confusion and being scattered, I put on a strong face so that my neighbor would neither read me not see me break. Noticing I reached only a destination of destrucion on this journey, and the whole time, just tried to pass if off as normality. supressing all the good things, of love, joy, and peace... trading it in, cashing it all, for a false imposture or fun. Only have I been leaning on a false sense of hapiness that deep down I was aware of its limits, and that it is by no means everlasting. Tired of it all, I escaped to the wilderness, near the river where my father dwells. This is the closest I had been to him in months. The sounds of nature, river current rushing, leaves falling, squirrels playing, birds sings, the wind fighting.... all reminded me of him. Hearing this made my heart leap and yean for his embrace. Perplexed, I leaned against the tree closing my eyes. After dwelling on all I lost, I heard a faint whisper in the distance. The sound was like someone was calling my name. I began to run towards the voice, it turned from a whisper into a desperate shout as if someone's life depended on it. Finally I was led to the voice which came from the rivers edge. I stood there facing the bridge that I promised myself to never cross again. But at the end of the bridge was my father screaming my name.. relentlessly. As tears rolled down his cheeks, and the cry so important that his clothes were torn. bearing his garmets he was like a mad man on his knees, searching for his long lost. I could see him, and finally ran up to him, but paused before I could touch him and I said I'm sorry I cant, I have to go back. this is too much too big and Im undeserving. But he said, you see after you left I worked night and day until this bridge was rebuilt. And every night after it was built I stood here for hours, hoping you would hear me calling out your name. Finally you heard me. I collapsed where I was and then came my father picking me up and brushing me off. I just looked into the eyes that have lived and experienced more than I can even fathom. And in his eyes I saw the sacrifice, I saw his cry for me. I just stood their and with every ounce in me I wept. Words were nowhere to be found, but where words fail, tears tell many stories. so he told me to walk across the bridge with him. Every step across independence was dying and I became weaker. But then he got stronger carrying me across. Finally we reached the cottage and he placed me in bed, saying sleep tight all is well.