Unseen

Matthew 9:27-29

²⁷As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!"

²⁸When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
"Yes, Lord," they replied.

²⁹Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you"

Not having sight is probably one of the most crippling of circumstances known to man. Sure, it's endurable and you can live through it, but still having sight limits a human. Every day we see things with shapes, colors, sizes, texture. We know what rain looks like, what trees look like, what a car looks like, we know what a lap top looks like. We can explain things because we see them, with our sight we are captivated by the beauty around us and we are saddened by some things we see. Because we see we experience things that some people who are blind could never see or ever discover.

When someone is blind they use other senses to make up for the loss of their sight. They rely on others to explain color, shape, size, and everything. For example if I were blind, I would rely on someone to describe something to me. If I wanted to know what a tree was like, I would blindly "visualize" it based on feeling and someone else's opinion. The only way I know what a tree would look like would be simply from the way I could perceive it. Forever that definition or explanation would determine my perception of a tree. That goes the same for every other object. The way I would perceive things would be limited. Forever that will be embedded in my mind and in my imagination. And where I don't know something, I form my own opinion and let logic take the place and explain something that I have never seen.

In our lives a lot of times we walk around with this same disability, spiritually. When we experience relationships with parents or others, even if it's not the best we take those experiences and define what a relationship is, what acceptance is, what love is, what care is, what trust is, what affection is..... and a lot of times because of the relationship we experienced in our flesh, we take that and let that define everything. Then when we enter into a relationship with God we take every self-learned definition and view God in the same way. Just like the blind, their definition of a tree may not be what a tree really looks like because they haven't actually been able to visually SEE it.

I know for me personally, things I have been through have defined the way that I have a relationship with God. Its hard for me to not see through failure, to not see through past hurts, or criticism. Because of this, it's like my sight is limited and I have a definition that is branded on my heart of the way I am and the way people are and the way He is. Thoughts and patterns of my life that limit me and are hard to "move or see" beyond. When for 21 years your life consists of the same patterns, issues, and thoughts, it's almost like it hinders your ability to see beyond and see the greater things. See who God is and who you really are... and every time you get close, your circumstantial definition attempts to trap you. When we don't understand things we take man-made logic and squeeze it into the questions we have, in order to have answers. Unfortunately we are full of carnal thinking, and the mind hinders our perception of things. Because of things we experienced, our own flaws, and our carnal/ logical thoughts we are blinded and cannot fully see the things of God, who is His and the NEW creation He has made us to be. It's just like we are blind and have our own view of things. Sight is hard to change. If you never saw the Nile river and had your view of it, then actually saw it, it would probably be different. Imagination is a dangerous place because we take things and fill it with notions or ideas. So we may be blind because of the way things have always been, the patterns and failures we have always had, the opinions of others, the junk we have been through, our preconceived ideas, but Faith asks us to See beyond.

By faith the blind men were made well. By faith we see God through the spirit and our eyes are opened to Who he really is and what He really has in store. without faith our sight is crippled, but with it, the "beyond" is able to be seen in truth. Our daily struggles are seen by eyes of truth. Faith has made us well. Faith helps us to believe when we can't see. bombarded by old ways of thinking, faith gives us the key to change the course of our thoughts, and have our thoughts become higher. For His ways are Higher than our ways and His thoughts are Higher than our thoughts... that's because God is the creator of every definition and His defining of things are sovereign and ultimately above everything we can imaging... Faith allows us to take part in His thoughts. Enough with our way of thinking, and more of His ways. No longer should blindness cripple, because He has given us Full sight, but Faith is the key, because without it.... ..we will forever and ever be limited. By Faith, By Faith, By faith.... that's what it takes.. that is how we see the truth of all things! I don't want to be like the Isreallites who wandered in the wilderness after Egypt because I fail to see. I don't want to run to Egypt because I am confined to my "blindness"! I want to walk in what is "beyond" and let my faith be on the Lord and not myself because He is everything I'm not! I can do nothing w/o faith.... it's my key to see! It let's me see the truth of God and His power! I'm not limited to me, but to everything He is, and who He is, has no limitations!

Beyond

The mind is a place where every wrong thought creates a prison
for the confinement of my soul and every longing
The walls and bars that bind
limit me, keep me, hold me
from the truth and full freedom
the lies, the past, the fleshly eyes,
produce these walls, they form these bars
Every time I think I actually escape
the rude awakening of the chain on my foot
holding me back and keeping me in
cause me to see, that I'm not really free
to have a heart of faith, to have eyes that see
the truth in you and not the failure of me
is what my heart longs for, but still I am incapable
Faith sees beyond this place of hell
but then the visual of reality sets in
This place has identified me and molded me
it has taught me to live and be
this person, caught in this place and mind
the thoughts lead me and control me
like a puppet on it's strings
the let me go and pick me up
to be determined and led by something bigger
something better something greater and higher
is the longing of my heart
to love with all that I have
rather than hate or question or judge
to accept rather than condemn
to embrace rather than flee
to commit instead of wander
would be satisfying to me
how I wish that day would come
where you define me
instead of these prison walls
how can I not settle when this is all I know?
teach me whats beyond this wall
around the corner
above the confinement
passed the past
outside of the walls
the key I see, in my reach
but to take it and turn it
requires courage and not this fear
outside of this place
is hope
is peace
is your ways
is faith
is love
is being
is life
is joy
is contentment
is satisfaction
is forgiveness
is acceptance
is grace
is all these things I search for yet cannot find
because with one taste, again this prison binds
to get past it
is my goal
is my goal
is my goal
but it's above all that I have, all that I know, and all that I am
unto you I surrender my ways, my bars, my prison
because I can't grab the keys on my on
once you fought for this and maybe again you will
show me a world that I have never known
paint a picture for the things unseen
because you know more than me
you see more than me
and your ways are higher than the ways of myself
help me to believe
help me to surrender
to have faith
and to believe in the things that I know not of.
I have to see beyond!

A little taller....

I remember when I was a kid I saw all of my friends getting taller and I remember being one of the shortest girls in my class until like 7th grade. I remember I wanted to be tall like them. I wanted to grow a few more inches so I wouldn't be in the shortest group of my class. I would ask my mom why I wasn't growing or when I would grow, or if I would be 4 ft something for the rest of my life!! If it was that way for me, I can only imagine how it was for guys. I know one of my best friends was a guy and I will never forget him being shorter than I was until one summer. I know it must have been very hard for him, being in jr. high and shorter than most other guys, but like I said one summer he hit his growth spurt for real! He was about 5 inches taller, regardless he was now average. In Jr. High I also caught up and surpassed a lot of the other girls too! I remember how tall I wanted to be and how important growing was for me. Sometimes it was so frustrating. Even as a kid when I dressed up I would put my mom's shoes on and think of how I was getting so close to being her size! I remember even though I wanted to grow I didn't measure myself every single day. I would wait until the dr. told me or my mom would measure me or something like that. Growth to me was wanted by me, but recognized by my parents.
Earlier I heard something about growing and the "wandering" years for Jesus and for the Israelites. The short clip said that those were the best yrs. for them. Sometimes now, spiritually, I just wish I could grow several inches and see it........but even when I don't see my growth, Jesus does and that makes all the difference! As long as we are doing the things that grow us, even when we feel like we aren't growing, something inside of us is shifting. When things are fed, they grow. That's the bottom line. A parent's desire is to see their kids become healthy adults. How much more does God desire His children to grow in Him. That is HIS utmost desire, that his children grow in Him! So, even during those frustrating times, they are precious because every now and then Jesus pulls us up and says check this out.... after months have passed he has been making marks on the wall to see how much we have grown... and He will show us! This is a scripture of growth: Call on me and I will show you GREAT and Mighty things (secret, fenced in things)! Jeremiah 33:3
I am thankful, that when I am pursuing and seeking after God, He is molding me and growing me to be more like Him!

Grace Abounds......

A lot of times it's hard to know where to begin, but at the same time it's very easy. Begin at the Cross. Although at times for myself having everything redeemed at the cross or made right is hard to fathom in my "humanness". But when I really think about it, the cross is the best thing. I think about all the times I have messed up, but where sin abounds grace also abounds. Not that I want to mess up or fail, but things happen. It's just amazing because Jesus is my hero. He is the only person that I don't have to prove myself to. A lot of times with people it's almost like you have to prove yourself to be sorry and prove yourself to be different and prove yourself to be better. This could take days, months, and even years. Often times it's hard not to get in that mindset with God, you know trying to earn your righteousness. Having a bad attitude, getting more frustrated because you aren't having a right one, and failing all the more... but during this time God is all sufficient. I think on days where I try to earn my righteousness that I am going around one big frustrating mountain, when God is waiting the entire time for me to become aware of HIS greatness and grace. That's like the children of Israel when they wandered around...they wandered around because they were trying to do things "in themselves apart from God!" That option NEVER works! Everything is by the cross. Pure human existence and freedom is in the cross. This was a VERY crucial gap to be filled.. and Jesus filled that gap, being driven by pure love and compassion for His people. Its awesome and amazing. I know that nothing can hold me back, because Jesus defeated everything. He broke old habits, he broke generational curses, He defeated guilt, and provided forgiveness for the worst of sins.

When I think about a sinner, really understanding God's grace, I think about Saul(Paul). This is a man, who relentlessly persecuted God and His children. So he is determined to cancel out God's work and then in a moments time is blinded by God, then later visited by Ananias, and baptized with scales falling off His eyes. A chap. of two later, the word says... Immediately Paul preached.

I mean I can't imagine how much pounding guilt burdened him, but Grace abounds all the more. In 1st Timothy 1 Paul talks about all the things he used to be and how thankful he is that God enabled him and found him faithful for ministry and then Paul says, the GRACE of our Lord is exceedingly abundant. A supply and resource that never runs out. Everything is through the cross. Not just two wood things built together, but the Sacrifice. Jesus was and is the greatest gift than mankind could ever receive. We are never fully alive until this moment. He takes nothing and turns it into something. Another amazing thing is what God told Ananias about Paul. He said "Go, for he is a chosen vessel of mine, to bear My name before Gentiles, kings and the children of Israel." "For I will show Him how many things he must suffer for My name!" I mean I know that we always hear how Christian will suffer, and the term suffering has changed. Today we view suffering as having to give up sin for Him, or not be able to do certain things like "go out", or being looked at weird for praying over food. But suffering then, was being beheaded, hanged, crucified, stoned, and even imprisoned. I don't think I want to hang out with Paul and say yeah I suffered too... because someone called me stupid for praying out loud. Jesus suffered GREATLY for me a pain I will never know..... so whatever sacrifice I have to make, I want to. I am thankful today that grace abounds and that his grace is sufficient. I am thankful today that God is more than enough, all sufficient God. There is no one else like Him in all the earth, all honor to Him!

Unlock the Glory

If things hold us back we rely on our own power. I think of obstacles I face outwardly or even struggle with internally, both in the past and present. I think about the future and things that are far off. I think about all the things I want God to do, and it's not to give me more money or to give me stuff. Everything has to do with Him and His will. Getting back to this place took an empty heart, with everything around me broken and just as empty. I was at a place where I went to the well and experienced a new tasting water so then I gathered it up and took it back to my village but then noticed it was temporary. So then I would go back and draw from the well again, and drink of it. Because it was temporary I constantly had to go back and draw water. Water that never last and only reached a certain point of satisfaction, but never fully satisfying. And then one day when I went back to the well, Jesus was there....... and it was after drawing so very much that I realized that nothing would EVER be as fulfilling as Jesus. Well now I realize where I am, but that doesn't necessarily mean that everything is fixed or perfect, but this is what it does mean.
God, I am here in this place where I am hungry and thirsty for you. I want to see what you can do, not what another person can do, but what you alone can do. I want to be so hungry for you and have a love for you that is greater than anything else. I don't want to constantly be held by condemnation or make you small with human reasoning, because I know that you wash our sins as far as the east is from the west.... and what you do is great and mighty, and above everything that I am or could ever imagine. These are my desires... to be so close to you, produce your fruits, and people see you. I want to really love you, but have a reverent fear of you all at the same time. Knowing you and your will even more, constantly submitting myself to you.......
I believe that this is the place where I am: that I give up.
That I give up in my victory, that I give up in my salvation, that I give up in my will, that I give up in my piecing things together, that I give up on my ideas......... but at the same time gaining His victory, and His salvation, gaining His straight paths, and taking on His ideas. I am at a place where only His glory and His power can do anything. I don't want to touch any area of my life, or have someone else speak something to me (that is appreciated and helpful), but I believe I am at a place where what He is going to do will be so glorious that in this process I will know that it was Him and HIM alone. The good thing is that I can not give myself credit for it, anyone else credit for it.... but to Him and Him alone. I want Jesus to do things in Carrie Tucker that I have never heard of and beyond myself. Destroy everything of me that does not please you. I cannot have holiness and junk residing in the same place. It is important to me that the word is fulfilled and that in me He does exceedingly abundantly above all I can ask or think.... things beyond my comprehension. So I am at this place where on the power of God can do and only His glory will be revealed and that Jesus will receive ALL glory and praise for it.....
and I am at this place where only God can do.................. and that is how I want it to be.
If I have to seek harder so be it... but whatever things happen I want them to be all God so that I can see a new aspect of HIS glory and power. And see I know that I cannot let things get in the way because He has overcome... and if I can just walk in the fact that HE has overcome... nothing can hold me down...
In the book Fear of the Lord.. John Bevere talks about how we have served God in the image that we made. Sin has shaped our view of God, our happiness has shaped our view of God, our pleasure has shaped our view of God, our lack of faith has shaped Him, this world, people, has shaped our view of God..... I guess that is why we dont fear Him, why we sin against Him and why we don't live our lives to the capacity He has for us...... I know that I do not see God fully for who He is or else I would go around the same mountain, or struggle against the same giant, or pick up the same chain.... and I need God to show himself to me, full in His glory. That is why I am where I am......................and I don't care as long as I become fully reliant on Him. This is best for me because I will see His glory.. fall more in love with Him and have more of a fear of Him and others will directly see JESUS. I am so sorry for never allowing myself to see God full in His glory and for not giving Him reverence with my actions... so others couldn't fully see Him. Jesus, I want to fully encounter you with your glory... and I am going to hang on.
From day one, the enemy has been about lowering the glory of God in our perspective. He talked Adam and Eve into eating of the tree of knowledge of good and evil and by giving into this the glory of god in THEIR eyes was made smaller and became limited. Not only that but they began to see their flaws instead of the imaginable glory of God.. and then they tried to cover up their mistakes but forever they would see His glory through their natural eye. That's why we now have the Holy Spirit because the Spirit is of God and so that thing in us, will allow us to see the glory of God through spiritual eyes and not fleshly eyes.
He has overcome, therefore we overcome.
Let me see your glory, like Paul did on the road to Damascus that forever changed Him.
Whatever needs to be done, do it.... so your glory will be revealed to me and through me.
I cannot let anything stop me, because if I do I am starting to rely on me.
I need to love you more and I need my eyes to be opened fully to your Glory, God.
Chabod: Weightiness, the root, heavy, glorious, notable, or to be renowned. The opposite of heaviness is lightness which is equated with vanity, emptiness, temporariness, or instability.

So why wouldn't satan even try to lessen our view of God's glory. He did it to Jesus when he showed him all the kingdoms he could have..............
So my desire is to fully see God's glory.................and just let Him be God to me and through me!
We are overcomers by the blood of the Lamb...... if His blood was already shed, we have already overcame.

Welcome all intruders

Mobile Alabama
City population: 251, 345
Crime rate: 16, 151
About 10 thousand of which are theft crimes!
cityrating.com/citycrime

After knowing this how many people would go to bed with there doors unlocked or even open?

Even after we are aware of information we choose not to change, but why?

Something is constantly in the back of our minds saying, "that could never happen to me!"

A valuable and significant piece of information warns and says, the thief comes to steal, kill, and destroy. John 10:10

"When an evil spirit comes out of a man, it goes through arid places seeking rest and does not find it. Then it says, 'I will return to the house I left. Luke 11:24

After hearing this why do we leave our doors unlocked and unguarded?
This simply welcomes all intruders. Whatever wants to come in can come in.

If you think about it, when a thief comes into your house what does he come for?
He comes for some hidden money, the plasma, the computer, the playstation 3... notice these are valuable things. A thief doesn't come in looking for a spoon, grabs it, and then leaves satisfied.

He wants to take your precious things into his possessions.
The enemy of your soul comes in to steal your most prized possessions. Your purpose, your influence, your destiny, your intimacy with God, pure love, your joy, peace, zeal, passion, and the encounters that changed you.. These are things that cost something of you and that mean the most to you. When you are left unguarded the enemy comes in stealing these things, but a lot of times he is disguised, sneaky, and skilled so that he can slip in and slip out before we are ever aware. Before long we look around in a frantic and in a hurry where, where is my passion. I can't find it anywhere... where is that peace.. I'm stressed and can't handle things, where did my peace go. Before long you realize that the house you live in is now stripped and you are filled with confusion about everything.
what to do now? You just walk around in your house and view its brokenness and and take a count of all the things you lost.
that's just like us. After we realize things have been taken from us, we just sit in awe of the things that have been stolen from us. confused about everything wondering what to do next.

Another way to view this intrusion would be a second point.
The people you surround yourselves with.
Sure you welcome your social group, but when you welcome them you welcome those pet peeves. When you connect yourself to someone through a relationship, friendship or whatever you have to be cautious of the things that surround you. Your peer group can introduce things to you that you may never have intentions of participating in, but eventually it effects you.
The whole thing that made me even think of this was yesterday when I was sitting in the living room doing some homework and I got hungry. I am a pretty healthy person so I normally strive to eat healthy things for my body. Well my roomie wanted to buy some captain crunch a few days earlier for a recipe, but we both eat healthy and having unhealthy food laying around isn't always the best. (not looking down on anyone who eats this cereal, its just addicting, full of empty calories, and has too much sugar for me).. anyway, before I knew it, I was on the couch and had eaten like half a box of captain crunch. I was like this is what we get for bringing stuff in here that we shouldn't eat.
Then something hit me. A lot of times we surround ourselves with people who have unhealthy habits and when we are in a desperate search for something, we feed on the unhealthy things. We cling to things we never would have if they had never been in our cite. If you are hanging around with people who have intruders, you will easily share those intruders and before long instead of running to something that will fulfill the hunger and thirst of your heart you run to contaminated waters. We feel strong and hang out with whoever and some friends around us dabble around in lust. When we are strong it doesn't bother us, but on one particular day we just don't feel so loved. In this situation it is easy to run to the cabinet and pull out lust, because it's there right in front of us.
What do we do now?
Because just like termites, these intrusions will destroy us from the inside out.
Exterminate, get rid of the junk. Clean your house. Guard your door. Keep it locked, clean and filled with the things that make it beautiful.
How many times do I keep the door unlocked, how many times do I leave it unguarded?
How many times do I run to the cabinet to feed myself on something that isn't eternal, but only short lived and temporary?
At this rate, pretty soon it will be nothing like a house anymore.
That house is me, my identity and new creation.

Then it goes and takes seven other spirits more wicked than itself, and they go in and live there. And the final condition of that man is worse than the first."

²⁷As Jesus was saying these things, a woman in the crowd called out, "Blessed is the mother who gave you birth and nursed you."

²⁸He replied, "Blessed rather are those who hear the word of God and obey it." Luke 11

Absorbing it all

Last night we had college and career and discussed some things taking place in our nation. Some values our country once had is now ridiculed and Christians have had to take a back seat to other religions and beliefs. Just thinking about the greatness of this situation tugged at my heart. I have heard that there is a mandate on my generation. A lot of youth pastors talk about it and refer to us as the "John the Baptist" of our time because we prepare the way for the second coming of the Messiah. I mean all of this stuff just made me think. Considering the things that our nation is facing, the prophecies in the word and everything literally tugged at my heart. As things were being brought up, I immediately went to places in the bible. Moses and Pharaoh, and how Moses was put in a favorable position and worked through in order to free God's people. Then there is Esther who was chosen to go before the king on behalf of her people. Christians are the called ones to stand up to our people, just like she was. Mordecai explained to her that if she didn't stand, deliverance would rise from another place. What about David, a king placed in a mighty position who had a heart after God. Then John the Baptist who stood and spoke with a voice to introduce Pentecost, a voice in the wilderness, paving the way. The prophet Jeremiah, who was born a prophet to the nations, a voice to people. In his time it was time to up root and tear down but a time to rebuild. Last night they spoke of an awakening. A time when people need to wake from their sleep otherwise like a thief coming in the night will every thing as we know it end. The mandate of purpose is strong. The mandate for us to fight is strong. The mandate for us to love more than ever before is great. But why are we self focused? Why am I so self focused, why am I so focused on here and now, with no focus on anyone around me or the future. Why do I not care about the destiny of myself and others. It's easy to be sucked in and gradually fade. That's what makes falling asleep so easy. I know sometimes I fall asleep and I'm not even aware I'm asleep until frantically I wake up thinking, "how in the world did I fall asleep?" I guess now spiritually, I'm like how in the world did I fall asleep. It's hard to focus on bigger things outside of who we are, when we are struggling to make it ourselves. As long as we stay sensitive to His spirit, his will is ultimately done. Sure people fall, but stay after his heart. I guess the bottom line of this whole thing is. Potential lies in us, for a life of worship, to make Jesus known, and to see lives changed. Everything is created by Him, for Him. Bottom line is that it made me look at me. I just know that I don't want to be caught sleeping. Not because I fear hell or death, because I love Him. I love my family. I want to use the things He has given me for His glory... but the key thing I want to have instilled in my heart is the simple fact of communion with Him. Getting to the place of the alter, sacrifice of myself, surrender of myself to allow worship and greater things to be established and moved through me to the outward surroundings. That place where everything bigger than me is battled out to victory. This great mandate can only be fulfilled from communion with Him. There we see with His eyes and become more spiritually in tune with what He wants. When we worship in Spirit and Truth, many things take place. We worship in Spirit, not flesh.... one dies in that process. Then Truth that glorifies, frees, and displays a genuine person. I have so much to soak in and process, but the key is communion. That's where everything will be created... through a relationship with God...everything else will be a product of the relationship. I guess I can't stress or fathom that enough. I want to change, I want to be used, I want people to be changed.
Another point that is very important is this. I heard during a lecture in class about an earlier socialization of people called hunters and gatherers. Right at the end of that era of society, men began to actually establish land and use land to grow and produce food. This way began to cause disruptions in society and started wars or feuds. Because then people wanted others land etc. For instance, I had no land and you did. You were producing food so I wanted it. We would go to war for the land. We would be fighting over something. View creation (people) as a valuable piece of land, that can produce many great things, for one owner or the other. The enemy of our soul fights us so bad, because we are land that will produce for the master that owns us. If God owns us, we produce for Him. If satan owns us, we produce for him. I have to protect myself. Ownership is why we are fought against, but also fought for. So much thought, so much to sink in...

but I'm not sure what that means........... to be like you

It's so easy to make a judgment about something or someone we know without actually knowing every single detail. What makes a judgment such a false and cruel thing is the simple yet complex fact that a judgment cannot be fully relied on unless the situation or a person is known completely inside and out. Often times we see a consequence of an action or a person or situation, and assume the motives behind it. Assuming only leads to more false pretensions, because again we lack all the components in what caused the effect. **We put the puzzle together and because we don't actually know what the entire picture is supposed to be, we come out with a different result and run with that** That's a dangerous thing. I look through judgmental eyes, try not to, but do sometimes. I wonder how many people I have wrongly accused and not given a fair chance because of that? I guess that's why Jesus can judge all, because he knows and sees every motive, responsible for behavioral outcome. I guess the only thing that is different about someone like Jesus compared to us is that despite accurate judgments, ones that we would even condemn, he doesn't. So someone that never made a mistake, loves those who make the "worst" and "most" in our eyes, yet people like us, who always make mistakes, judge others easily and without thought. I am assuming that is where the whole plank in your own eye scripture comes from. I think if Jesus was to just come down and chill with me, he would give me a good talking to. I think he would be sad...father sad. I guess it's weird because I never experienced father sad, only great father disappointment. Like when I would do things, it was just never good enough, or I could always use some improvement. That is another novel all in itself. Anyways, point exactly is that Jesus would a little sad with me, I think a little heart broken because he misses me and stuff like that.... but saying that first because his footprints went places mine will never go and that mine are not fit to fill, so I can never play the judgment role... but I do think that if He came and strolled the streets of our country he would be "father sad".... sad first with the church, the one divided between the "religious" and "anti religious", then sad with the people like me who were "hanging on until the decision is made" and sad with the fake people...I wonder if the hurt he feels from creation, hurts more than being nailed to a cross, hurts more than being suffocated. I wonder if I hurt him that bad? I have been hurt by people, ones who I thought believe in me and turned their backs on me, but mostly only one person at a time... not by multitudes, but Jesus was also hurt by those who turned their backs on Him and hurt by multitudes at a time. I guess his grace and his hurt for us, is something that I cant ever fully fathom. A million things and philosophies I attempt to wrap my brain around... but this, this I never can. Grace isn't fully my nature, only part of my genetic makeup. I cant hypothesize or make a theory about why I make following him so complicated. I wish I didn't. He commits to me, but I struggle with making up my mind....because everything else is so glamorous. If I truly saw His light on those things, I can only see the things it would really be.. I guess the visual I get of this situation is being in a dark cave like an old mine and seeing some things that sparkle and glow, and following them.... but then when the sunlight enters into the mine.. it reveals those things that sparkle as skeletons with fools gold in their eyes.... probably sounds weird, but makes perfect sense. In the dark anything shiny is appealing. Maybe I should stop writing and re-read this... because it's important. but before I do, a point that is resounding in my brain is the fact that I make a lot of judgments and see things a lot of people are doing wrong or right, but I'm not standing up myself and doing a thing....... .... It's easy to sit around and talk about stuff or people who do it wrong, but to make an attempt actually requires something.... and it's not easy. I don't want emotional, strict rule following, anti religious, or radical.....I want pure and authentic and the things that follow that, because that will be the most real, the most powerful, and the most revolutionary.

I remembered an old piece of property that was left to me, so I thought I would drive out to see it. My father left me an old family home in his will. He left it for me so that I could bring life to it and make it my home one day. As it came across my mind, I decided to go view the home. As I got to where the driveway once was, I realized it was now just a path covered in high grass. So I parked and made my way through the knee high weeds and made it to the house. What this was, was far from a home. I thought to myself that noone in their right mind could live in this place. I wondered what people thought of this place and thought of my family as they drove by. I couldn't believe the shape it was in. Where once it had been a beautiful shade of white, it was hardly white at all. I don't even think that is a true color that is on there now. The poarch swing only hung by one chain and the porch itself was hardly a porch at all. Broken wood and everything destroyed. As I cautiously made my way through the "house" I walked in every room. I remembered there by the fireplace my grandmother reading to me as a kid. I revisited every room and in every room I could recall the most precious of memories. I had so many in there. I remember all the Thanksgiving's and Christmas' we celebrated. I can remember running through every room of the house playing around. I grew up there. Every year as I grew older something precious that I hold dear occurred there in that house, that is now not a house at all. I stood in every room and re-lived many different moments. Then just pacing back and forth I noticed all the layers of dust that now decorated the house. It had "polished" off every picture, every dish, every candle, and every book. I could see family pictures hanging sideways and as I blew off the dust I could make out the faces. The treasure that remained in that house was so rich, but had of course been destroyed by poor care and abandonment. It broke my heart to see all the damage that had been done, all because it was left to me and I completely ignored it. I needed a miracle. Because I had lack of skill, I knew I couldn't fix it. My hands to this mess would be worthless. I looked and looked for a carpenter who could fix it and actually had interest in restoring it to it's full potential. Noone in the directory was interested, but then as I visited my old town I overheard some people talking about a man who was only known by few. The talked of the power in his hands. I interrupted the people talking, and asked them the information on this carpenter. So they filled my ears with details and then I got in touch with him. We both looked at the house and I was almost embarassed to even take anyone to the mess of a building. When he drove up, and observed the house, he looked at it in a way I never EVER expected. He glanced at it with awe. After he looked at it for what seemed like an hour, his only words were "this is beautiful!" I looked at it, then I looked at him, and in my mind I totally disagreed. He said this is going to be a process, and not an easy task. But then he said, it is my joy to rebuild this thing. His countanence was like that of a kid at Christmas. He took this task with all excitement. Well days, weeks, and even months passed. I wondered when this was going to be "beautiful" again. When would it be restored? This was the longest process... the cleaning and taking out the things that didn't belong seemed to take a month itself. Then came the rebuilding, which took months, then the actual restoring of the paint and interior... so many details. Well after several months, (it took longer than it takes the average people to completely buid a house) it was finished. I drove up and saw a white fence with a beautiful gate and a gravel drive way. The porch no longer had vines and the wood was a spectaclar finish. The swing blowing in the breeze. The door so inviting and welcoming, so I entered. A fire burning, pictures hung upright. Everything was perfect, the furniture, lamps, kitchen. It smelled as if dinner was being prepared. Every room decorated with such home like furniture. This was better than before and more beautiful than what I expected. I asked the carpenter how he knew to decorate it as it had been before but only better. And he replied, as a boy I watched my father build this house, and now even into my ripe old age I still remember his blue print and every intricate detail. I asked how I could pay him and he said it was already paid. I didn't understand this man at all. He said I could pay him back by keeping it up, inviting guests over, and telling people the story of restoration. Then he walked outside and stared at the house, with tears flowing down his cheeks. Still, I could not figure out all the emotion. With the tears still flowing down, He asked me to please let this home grow and flourish, constantly being full of life and to act as a safe haven from the outside. So, I agreed to this man, then I watched him just slowly walk down the road. This house was perfect, but it was only the beginning for all to come. That night I sat by the fire, and saw headlight after headlight after headlight... people had come from surrounding cities to see this masterpiece, and I could take zero credit for all that had been done. It was all about him, that humble carpenter, who saw the beauty before anyone, and then turned it into a gorgeous creation.

Don't Sweat the small stuff... or so they say!

You have always heard the saying "don't sweat the small stuff," but is that statement questionable. A while ago when i was loggin some miles I thought to myself how if I didn't sweat then a. I was not taking in the right material b. my body wasn't getting rid of the wastes it needed to and c. my body temperature would not be cooling itself off. Our bodies work like a machine. YES! you are a machine!! HA.. but seriously it's very important to do your part and drink water because when you are battling it out on the streets it reengergizes you, prevents cramps, and then when you sweat you are getting rid of toxins and also cooling yourself off. Putting in the water is a key role. So where am I going with the talk of water and perspiration.

When I think of water I think of more than disani, I think of living water. I think of God and his grace. Sometimes I wonder how I went so long without him. It's like I was running with no supply and then just swelling up with junk, not being able to get rid of it. I let thing after thing after thing build up in me. So it was like I was running with all the weight, when some 'water' would clear that up. God who they call, the living water, gives us strength to move forward and as he pours into us, and we push forward, things are released from us. As we run we become lighter and not entangled with all the junk we were wrapped up in. I have no idea if this makes sense and it's not the most deep subject, but it's true. We hold on to things only adding weight to ourselves. So I guess I am just saying that we gotta let every small thing go, because even those small things add up and add up fast. Also I learned from running on my hurt leg, that it does only get worse and leads to not running. We try to hide those hurts really bad and just keep walking in our relationship with God without telling him or letting things out to him. Then our pride cripples us. We thought we could make it through but we cant. That always sucks. Then when you try to walk all you can think about is that hurt and thats becomes the vision of which you see everything. It's very sad too. The first time I ever went to McCullough Christian Center, I heard a lady share this. She said, "Last night I had a dream, and in that dream was a glass full of dirt. I held the glass under water and slowly the dirt rose to the top. Then the water kept filling it. the more water filled the glass, the more dirt came out. Before long, there was no dirt, but only overflowing water." That's stuck with me for years! So, I guess you can learn from every situation and God's gotta get your attention somehow. that's how He got mine. So, sweat the small stuff, not by worrying about it, but Releasing it.

Every single person on this earth is made up of many components that make them unique. Each individual has built in factors, some we all share while others we don't. For example, we all breathe; however, one may be smarter than the other or more talented at a sport than another. One thing that we all share is the detail inside of us that drives us and causes us to search beyond, press on, and move forward. What is the one thing we all share? It's this thing that we live by daily whether we admit it or not, and it's known as competition. This drives us to move forward and not settle. It can be viewed in many different aspects. The first perspective we can view competitive human activity is a broad national view. Take for instance the United States. When the country was founded, it was founded with every reason to move forward and colonize. Many settlers did'nt just say, "We are here, Virginia is our only colony and that's the way it will stay!" Instead this nation was pioneered, because of a pressing and a searching that was instilled in the very being of the colonists. A nation was developed, politicians were elected. Despite the "flaws and failures" or every American president, I'm positive that each of them shared the value to make our nation stronger and advance it in every way. A politician isn't elected by making his campaign one of which states "Let's stay the same, forget advancing technology, forget various reforms, we are fine the way we are." From day one of the founding this nation has advanced. To look at a similar viewpoint, take wal-mart for example. Wal-mart had to grow with the economy and population demand. If it wouldn't have, then it would be stuck in a 1990's atmosphere about it and productivity line rather than advancing into the 21st century. From an individualistic view, every human being has a desire to excel and move forward. Take for instance when we are born, our parents teach us slowly to become independent. After learning to walk and talk, we go to school. After learning basic education, we are encouraged to continue until graduation, expanding and growing in knowledge every year. Then as graduates we are encouraged (in most places) to attend a department of higher learning or either jump into the work force! Why? To move forward. In this process whether we are aware or not, we are constantly competing, with ourselves, others, and time to move forward. We have athletic teams who are based on competition, where they excel at their sport of choice. We even have churches that compete with one another to win people into their congregation. Competitive activity surrounds us. Is it bad to be competitive? Heck no! I am very competitive. The key to developing this is a. the motives behind it and b. to what degree you are being competitive. I believe this was built into us to move forward and to never accept where we are in life. This is the key to help us to set goals and reach them. Many people in life have an apathetic attitude, but this is the excuse to failure, that say's I don't want to get up again. Competition shouldn't die. It should be made stronger with every obstacle. Competition should not be used to tear one another down, but used as a gift to become better individually, corporately, or as a team. It's kind of like paint. Paint is a good thing and makes things better. It makes improvements, as with competition. But you can also take that paint and splatter it everywhere you aren't supposed to put it, making a huge mess. Competition should be developed, the longing in us should never grow cold.... it's what drives us. You have a choice, you can either throw in the towel, or you can use it to wipe the sweat off your face.

Serves no Purpose!

I have always said, and will always firmly believe in the power of the snooze button. It is the very enemy of my soul, okay well thats a little much, at least the enemy of priority! This morning I was going to attempt to go for my 9 mile tempo run, but as I got up of course I was hobbling around. Ugh, this leg is seriously getting on my nerves. I know to most people, running is not as important, so taking a few days off to let it heal doesn't destroy their daily lives. I mean I know worse things could happen. It's just hard to accomplish certain goals when you cant work towards those goals. Oh well, I'm planning on going this afternoon when I get out of class. Speaking of class, I still need to do my homework and study a little more. Then I plan on hitting a good run *fingers crossed* then coming back and having college and career. R.E.A.L. That's what it's called but I totally forgot what that stands for, maybe something something adult life? Anyways, Im pretty excited about everyone seeing our new apartment and then playing some volley ball and stuff. Playing volleyball is probably one of my absolute favorite things. So, this weekend I'm possibly getting another pair of shoes and also ordering a pair.. so two new pair SOON! I am also planning on getting a bike (cheap one) and some goggles. Im going to try to start cross training a little more to make me stronger and more versatile. Who know's maybe one day do a triathlon. But I do want my 5k time to get a lot stronger. My goal for my 5k is to do sub 20 and 10k sub 42, and I have several months SEVERal to get my 5k race goal, but hopefully will get my 10k in the beginning of Nov. I know I am probably the MOST repetitive person, but my leg has to get better. No, Im not Kara Goucher, I don't do this for money, but it's like brushing my teeth.... thats very important!! Anyways, Im learning to just love the moments I have anyway. Well I have to go clean some more, so that it will be spotless for our guests. I hope today is a beautiful day, fall right around the corner...

100%

So fall is right around the corner and I am filled with excitement and somewhat facing some grief. I am very excited about racing in cooler weather and the whole racing enviroment. I love the nike ad that says, running will never take away more than it will give back. That is so true! The way you feel after a hard run is like no other feeling you could ever experience. Knowing you just pushed yourself in a hard training run or race feels so rewarding. It's amazing how all your training, works like an equation to make you faster, stronger, and more effiencient. I am a little worried though, because my leg has been hurting me really bad. Supposedly its just shin splints but it just really isn't getting better. I did some 8x500s yesterday at the track and mentally I felt good. Physically I felt good everywhere except for my leg. It's amazing how much you can accomplish by putting aside just a little bit of pain. My next race is Sep. 12th. I am looking this fall to get a PR in about the late 19's I hope. I just don't want this injury to slow down. Then I have the NAGGING thought following me of whether or not I should take off. Taking off would probably benefit me in the long run. Of course I would have to do some cross training so I dont get lazy or lose too much fitness, then I will have to work my way up to get some more endurance and "be as strong as I have been". See in doing that my leg can heal and I can catch a lot of the races on a healthy leg and work hard to get my speed/endurance back.... or I can keep running on this leg and just hope to God that it gets better. But see, a)no other exercise will get me better at running than running, b) I burn the most calories that way c)It's convienient.... I am supposed to be getting a bike soon and hopefully access to an indoor pool, but I have never cross trained on either.. for a workout. So maybe I can cross train and get some workout techniques on those. These shin splints have got to go away so I can be back 100%, pursuing those PR's... giving everything in a race, leaving NOTHING at all in me, but leaving everything on the road.... so when I have finished know that I dont have an ounce of sprint in me. That's the feeling I cant wait for. I cant wait for the many 5ks and 10ks along with my 1/2 marathons... ahhh.. just talking about it makes me so excited. I'm just waiting it out moment by moment to see how this leg does. I just cant wait to be full force, you have no IDEA. This is a sport that I recently discovered and wish I could have a long time ago. It rewards me in ways that nothing else does. I just know that I have to train smart, run smart, so that I can race hard and fast... plus I have some long term goals that a lot of this season can make happen...

So come on leg, please come on!!!

The Anchor for My Soul

During the midnight hour, I escaped to begin a journey of independenceleaving home as my father slept, closing the cottage door behind me, crossing the bridge over the river, and as I did, I vowed in my heart to never return. Now choosing to face the world on my own, with all its glories and conudrums that all others can embrace. As I crossed the river into the world where everything was new, I became easly adapted to this intriuging way. days, weeks, and even months passed, as with my body, my heart also wondered. Looking and searching for meaning elsewhere, in this un purposed filled place. In this time of confusion and being scattered, I put on a strong face so that my neighbor would neither read me not see me break. Noticing I reached only a destination of destrucion on this journey, and the whole time, just tried to pass if off as normality. supressing all the good things, of love, joy, and peace... trading it in, cashing it all, for a false imposture or fun. Only have I been leaning on a false sense of hapiness that deep down I was aware of its limits, and that it is by no means everlasting. Tired of it all, I escaped to the wilderness, near the river where my father dwells. This is the closest I had been to him in months. The sounds of nature, river current rushing, leaves falling, squirrels playing, birds sings, the wind fighting.... all reminded me of him. Hearing this made my heart leap and yean for his embrace. Perplexed, I leaned against the tree closing my eyes. After dwelling on all I lost, I heard a faint whisper in the distance. The sound was like someone was calling my name. I began to run towards the voice, it turned from a whisper into a desperate shout as if someone's life depended on it. Finally I was led to the voice which came from the rivers edge. I stood there facing the bridge that I promised myself to never cross again. But at the end of the bridge was my father screaming my name.. relentlessly. As tears rolled down his cheeks, and the cry so important that his clothes were torn. bearing his garmets he was like a mad man on his knees, searching for his long lost. I could see him, and finally ran up to him, but paused before I could touch him and I said I'm sorry I cant, I have to go back. this is too much too big and Im undeserving. But he said, you see after you left I worked night and day until this bridge was rebuilt. And every night after it was built I stood here for hours, hoping you would hear me calling out your name. Finally you heard me. I collapsed where I was and then came my father picking me up and brushing me off. I just looked into the eyes that have lived and experienced more than I can even fathom. And in his eyes I saw the sacrifice, I saw his cry for me. I just stood their and with every ounce in me I wept. Words were nowhere to be found, but where words fail, tears tell many stories. so he told me to walk across the bridge with him. Every step across independence was dying and I became weaker. But then he got stronger carrying me across. Finally we reached the cottage and he placed me in bed, saying sleep tight all is well.